Social butterfly.

When I pushed the door car and set foot into the crossroad to enter my college for the first time has been one of the most unconventional feelings that I have ever felt.
Moments like this is when I wish they can get better.
The minutes are starting to feel like hours once again. 
I’ve sat at the nearest bench since my legs can no longer stop shaking. And it keeps shaking as I hold that same laptop case to my chest because I can’t do what it’s telling me to. And that is: “accept change”.
I can write about it and lie that I only do it to make me feel stronger, but I know I’m putting my words out there with the crazy hope that you will find them.
That you will find me, in this messy, shivering moment when all I can think is broken.
I have never felt like I needed saving, but the essence of being lonely is the lack of other people.
I guess that’s how people feel like the first day they enter to college, or is it just me?
The nature of these moments is that I remember that I am the one who tries, and who won’t give up.

Because all of you will judge me and find that I am beneath you.

Unworthy and unacceptable.

You’ll all blame me for not being like the rest. Newsflash: You won’t be the first, or even the last.

I have always had this feeling of being petrified of being accepted.

I’ve tried to believe that me and all of you are interconnected people, yet I know sooner or later I will be neglected.

I apologize in advance for not being a social butterfly and I will still be myself, unchanged by your scorn.

Because just like when my idol, Kurt Cobain, once said: “They laugh at me because I am different I laugh at them because they are all the same”.


“Tic… Toc…Tic…Toc…” I’ve been listening this for months now repeatedly like a bad cliche song stuck in my head. As I plead to god to give you more time.

I hate you cancer. You hateful, horrible disease.
It is insanity; it’s unbelievable,
How this cancer struck her hard and fast, I wasn’t even given time to sneeze to my annoying allergies. This cancer needs to go.

The coughing and hacking and being really sick, it’s shaken me to the bone, all the way to the core. I can no longer handle witnessing her in such pain.

We’re searching for a cure so it will go away.
If we don’t do anything, this unwanted disease will stay.

I hate you cancer, I hate you.

You see, she is my favorite aunt, she was there for me on my very  first breathe. And I wish I will be there for her last.

She has taught me life lessons and undivided love right from the beginning. I’ve got cuts and scrapes, bumps and bruises and she has been always there. She would always have the fresh baked bread in the mornings, puddings by the afternoon. Watching her cook, there was nothing i’d rather do.

Don’t just come and take her when she is in her prime. Don’t take this beautiful woman, she has always been there to lend a hand until the day you came. Please don’t let her die in vain.


Cancer, can’t you witness the beauty laid in her soul? I can promise you can see her glow.

But let’s talk a moment about you, Cancer.

You tend to be sometimes slow and sometimes swift, kinda like a Satan’s gift. You hurt, you’ve got no compassion, no fear, no shame, it’s no surprise cancer’s your name.

Even if you are Satan’s gift, I know she will keep fighting. Her  brave face through all the pain, she always told us to remain sane. Through out the radiation, chemo, and pill. She smiled and had such a strong will.

Her attitude is what keeps her carrying on,
Without it I don’t think that she would have lasted this long.

Because she has come to this world and has conquered. And all this disease has done is eaten her insides and slowly bringing her to the knees.
But still through it all she has held that smile,
But sometimes I could see it faltered, but only for awhile.
I love you auntie with everything I have to offer and give.

I just hope that someday I can see you again, not soon enough I know.
Maybe one day they can find a cure and help other people,
To still smile and live.




Si mañana muriera quisiera dejar plasmadas algunas ideas que hoy aprendí.

Pido perdón a mis padres, por conocerme muy poco y no dejar que me conozcan, por ocultarme constantemente las cosas, por miedo a decepcionarles.

Hubiera querido ser su hija perfecta y al menos ocultando mis imperfecciones lo era.

Quisiera decirle a mi mejor amiga que no se heche a la tumba conmigo. Que por favor, me deje morir sola, pues ella es capaz de eso. Decirle que muero en paz, que tuve el mayor esplendor de una vida a su lado, que nunca me decepciono y que nunca me iré de su lado. Siempre estaré contigo, zorra. Te dejo que llores, solo una vez, porque el resto del tiempo, aunque no pueda hacerte reir, espero ver tu sonrisa. Nunca mas dejes que nadie te la quite, pues la otra persona habrá ganado la batalla. Pero no dejes que gane la guerra. No necesitas a nadie para ser feliz, mi niña.

También quisiera decirle a mi mejor amigo, que aunque hayamos estado relativamente poco, siempre ha sido muy importante para mi desde que lo empeze a conocerle bien. Como lección de vida, lo que siempre le repetí: que viva el momento, que mejor arriesgarse a que quedarse con ganas porque aunque pierdas siempre algo aprendes. Que cuando dejas de buscar encuentras y viene hacia ti. Que sea positivo y haga sonreír a los demás aunque este hecho mierda por dentro.

A la hija que nunca tuve.

Por favor, no te enamores nunca. Pues el primer amor nunca se olvida. Pero el verdadero amor, es aquel capaz de hacer que te olvides de tu primer amor. No te arrepientas nunca de lo que te ocurra. Obviamente pedir perdón por haber ofendido a alguien, si. Porque le produces daño irreparable. Pero con esto quiero decir que algo siempre aprendes. Todo lo malo sirve para darnos cuenta de lo que tenemos y no apreciamos y para aprender a ser mejores con los demás.

No le desees mal a nadie, aunque se lo merezca. Deja que cuando le pase algo aprenderá de su error y tu podrás ayudarl@.

Hize muchas cosas malas, pero disfrute cada segundo de mi vida.

Tuve amigos que casi nunca me hicieron sentir sola y no necesite más.

Gracias a todo por todo lo vivido.

Por favor pido que no lloren por mi muerte.

Espero haberles sido una inspiración o ayuda en algo, pues siempre quise eso.

Siempre estaré con ustedes aunque me olviden. Por último, decir que todo es posible si te lo propones, solo que no es como te lo imaginastes: volar, amar, soñar, creer… Puede ser todo mucho mejor de lo que te soñastes. Pero si te rindas nunca lo sabrás.

Mejor arriesgarse que quedarse con las ganas. Y todos en general, sean felices. Porque si existe la felicidad, solo que la disfrutamos mientras más podemos y más tarde nos damos cuenta de lo que es.


You’re not reading this, but I’m still in love with you.

I tried hiding it when we were walking.

I didn’t want to scare you.

I guess I said we could be friends, but looking at your face is like drilling holes in my lungs and reading your words makes all of my limbs ache.

I know we want different things, but most of all I know I want you.

I can’t seem to understand why don’t you want me anymore.

I’m sorry about June and July. I’m sorry I can’t let you go.

I’ll be sorry for the Saturday’s when I’ll pretend I’m capable of a simple friendship.

I’m sorry for a lot of things and I’m sorry I can’t fix this.

But timing has been a bitch to us.

Maybe in another lifetime, we’ll still be making out in the backs of Movies theaters and calling each other to talk about the universe.

Maybe you won’t be afraid of how much I love you.

Maybe you’ll love me too.

Catch me.

I’m falling again

And nobody wants to pick me up.

Since summer,

We are just avoiding each other.

You’re avoiding me.

Slipping through my fingers

I could’ve had you,

But I was too late.

Now we’re just strangers,


Expect nothing, live happily.

This is why you should never, ever, get your hopes up.

This is why you should see the glass as half empty.

So when the whole thing spills, you aren’t as devastated.

Thinking the things that made me grow up the most was going through the things I couldn’t talk about and when no one noticed.

I realized that I was all alone.

I am responsible for myself now.

I can starve or be depressed, or have sex or drink or smoke or do drugs and nobody would even know.

Isn’t that terrifying?


Technology in desperate times.

What a blessing it is to live in the age of snapchat and instant messages because it is hot as hell this morning and I would get fried waiting outside for the indifferent postman and a letter from you- and sunburn ain’t cute.

So thank goodness for FaceTime and Skype we can have our conversations alright so long as we deal with blips every forty five seconds or two minutes if we’re lucky.

You could be in the house next door, or in Europe, on the moon and I find it reassuring that our shitty internet connection will probably be the exact same degree of shitty, but I guess I am a tough one to please because Steve jobs never came up with a way to touch someone through a computer screen, no way to lean on a shoulder, no program to trace the cut of a jawline, lips curving into a smile.

Yeah you could be next door, or in Europe, on the moon

It’s been a while

It’s been a while

It’s been

This is hard.

And an adventure I hadn’t known I’d been asking for.

A walk in the park is actually enjoyable even though as I said its hot as hell outside

And it’s been picky jolly ranchers from a crystal bowl except these are are flavored all kinds of “I miss you” and “answer!! Your!! Phone!!”